Fear

I became a wife and a mother in the same year and very late in my life.  People who knew me before that momentus year commented that I had changed a lot.  I don't know which event changed me the most.  I've always had fear and trepidation about permanent commitment.  For some reason, it created a great amount of anxiety for me.  While I was content in monogomous relationships, I never believed in the fairy tale of happily ever after and I definitely did not believe that being married was the answer to eternal happiness for women.  It's true that these two events have changed me more than any other event in my life.

Darrell is not the man I would have picked in my 20's and probably not in my 30's.  At those times in my life I was focused on too many other things to recognize the importance of a sense of humor and the power of unconditional love.  I had philosophized to myself and others concerning the concept of unconditional love but it's something that I could not give and definitely hadn't received.    I'm not a quitter when it comes to business, climbing the ladder and most things that take a lot of work but I would run from relationships when they became difficult or if my emotions scared me too much.  Thank God I didn't do this with Darrell.  He is a great father, a wonderful friend and I have learned the value of sticking it out until I could recognize his unconditional love for me.

Honestly, becoming a mother has changed me the most.  I remember when I was pregnant, marvelling at the fact that another human being was growing inside of me.  I wondered what he would look like, what his personality would be and if he would be smart or not.  I did not know how much I would love him.  I did not know that being a mother would bring so many emotions--sadness, anger, joy, insecurity.  I am a person that does not like to talk about emotions and I definitely do not like to deal with them.  Now I must do these things so I can teach him how to deal with emotions--to become a confident man.  A man  who recognizes his emotions and knows how to deal with them in a healthy manner.  This, I believe, will be my most difficult task. 

I watch him while he is sleeping and I marvel at his perfect features.  I want him to be happy and successful.  I'm scared--what if I fail him?   

A lesson in losing

My son, Blake, competed in the Boy Scouts Pinewood Derby today.  I was a little worried when the day began --he started crying when we were told that we had to hot glue his skeleton man to the car.  While Papa glued the skeleton and the weights to the car, I took the crying boy outside.  I explained to him that the skeleton had to be glued on because it could fall off while racing and mess up someone's else's car and that's not fair.  Those are the rules...you can't change them...please stop crying. 

The race was very professional and organized--very impressive.  His den race began and in the first heat, his buddy Nic won.  Next heat is Blake's car and we were very excited--anticipating a win--his car came in dead last.  Heat after heat, Blake's car always last yet Blake cheered the loudest for his den and his friends. 

A couple of hours later it's time for the awards and once again I was very hopeful that he would win a ribbon for most creative.  His car looked VERY cool and I would post a picture but Papa has it.  He did not win a ribbon.  I watched him sitting, watching his friends with their cool trophies and ribbons and my heart broke.  I must say that it bugs me that the Y does not keep score but I kind of wished that every little boy would have recieved a cool car trophy.  He did not cry and he did not whine.  He simply said, "I wish I won a trophy."  Papa said, "I checked out the winning cars very closely, next year we will do better".  As we were leaving, I heard a little boy say, "I hate Boy Scouts, I didn't win a trophy."  Before I had my son I probably would have grimaced at his Mother.  Now that I am a mother, I knew that you never really know how your child will react when faced with losing. 

Tonight before bed, I kissed him on top of his head and I told him, "I am very proud of you.  You did not cry when you did not win today and you cheered for your friends.  Good job."  I didn't tell him that I wanted to cry for these are lessons you have to learn in life no matter how much it hurts me.