Missing Dad

It's been a while since we had to say good-bye.  I know that life will never be the same without him.  My son looks like him and acts like him.  It's crazy as Blake didn't get to spend very much time with him.  Blake didn't know the man we grew up with because Dad changed as he got older as his health deteriorated.  It's tough to be happy and fun loving when walking down the hall is a chore.  When you know your time on earth is now limited thanks to lungs with very limited capacity.  So, he is truly in a better place.  The thing is I miss him.  I didn't get to see him every day but I knew he was there.  I knew that when we made the long drive to Wyoming he would be sitting at that kitchen table, excited for the chance to play poker.  I knew he would boast about his Shih Tzu, Max.  I knew he would be there to hug and kiss me, to tell me that he loved me.  Even though I didn't get to see him every day, I knew that he was there, giving Mom a hard time.  Even though I didn't get to see him every day, I miss him every day.  I wish he could come back.

Bullies

It's been a long time.  I have to be inspired to write and quite frankly, I haven't had anything substantial to spout about thus no blog.  Bullying is a touchy subject these days.  We hear about it all of the time, yet it still occurs and it makes me mad.  Bully's are usually big guys picking on little guys and in my opinion they are cowards.  There are extreme cases that have been in the news and I have had friends tell me of some extreme cases involving their children.  I'm amazed at the cruelty of children, teenagers, and girls and it makes me wonder if we are neglecting the need to teach empathy.

On the other hand, I also think that the word bully and bullying tend to be over-used.  For instance, a mother of three in great physical shape, posted a picture of herself on Facebook and was accused of bullying other mothers who do not look as good.  Quite frankly, I say, "You go girl!"  I own the fact that I dol not have a body like that because I lack the self discipline to dedicate myself to eating the way I need to along with consistently exercising to look like that.  She on the other hand is willing to do those things therefore she has a great body.  Is the fact that she is showing that off bullying?

There is a highly publicized case in Florida of a girl who was cyber-bullied then committed suicide.  Girls actually told her you should die and told her ways she should kill herself.  Teenagers vent and communicate via social media whether it be on Facebook, twitter or snapshot.  If there is a tiff, you will probably be called out in one form or another.  Your name may or may not be used.  Is that mere act cyber-bullying?  What if you started the fight?

We recently discovered that our son got in trouble at school for fighting but he was actually trying to stop a bully.  So, tell him to leave the bully alone and let him continue with his vulgar behavior thus stay out of trouble or tell him to do what he thinks is right and stop the bully?  There are varying degrees of bullying and we all went through our own types of bullies and I believe that my bullies taught me survival skills that I still use today.  My husband and I try to protect our son while still teaching him to stick up for himself.  I remember when he was little playing at a playground and a bigger kid was picking on him.  Darrell told the kid, "I'm not going to step in but I'm warning you, if he fights back, I won't stop him."  Blake did eventually fight back and he won--he always does but the frustration is that in school, he gets in trouble.

Here is my concern, by over-using the term, are we desensitizing ourselves so much that we still don't see the REAL bullies, the REAL mean girls and lose sight of the REAL victims.  Awareness is key but bullies are good liars and they are good at attacking when they won't be seen.    So, the bullies aren't always transparent.  Our children need to know that they can come to us, they need to learn empathy, and they need to know to make adults aware.  I don't know about you but in our family, you mess with one, you mess with all of us.  And you know what?  Every single one of us needs to stand up for the under dog every once in a while.   The only way to stamp out bullies is not to be one and to call them out when you see one however, when it comes to bullies, let's be real.  A mom in great shape is not a bully.  A girl responding to crap being said about her in social media is not cyber-bullying.  It's not even the same playing field.

#2 This I Know...

Sometimes you feel as though you are the only going through whatever you are going through.  It might be self doubt, it might be sadness or happiness, or health and mental issues.  During those times you feel isolated--like you are the only one that has ever felt this way.  Like you are the only one who has these issues going on with your body or mind.  You are NOT the only one.  There are others who feel the same way you do right now.  There are others who have felt the same way you do and there will be others in the future.  You are not the only one so don't tough it out.  Ask for help or ask for a hug and everything will be better soon.  I've always tried to deal with my issues alone but the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel is to reach out.  Sometimes, someone else can show you the way out--don't tough it out by yourself. 

This I know, please don't find out the hard way.

This I know....

This may become a series of blogs or it might be the only one.   The writing of these random thoughts  is cathartic.   Maybe in some random way, they will string together. They are not lessons, they are part of life, I suppose.

This I know but you will only find out the hard way.

I know that when a boy breaks your heart, the broken heart will be masked by anger.  You will be so mad at him for hurting you. He hurt you even though he told you that he loved you.  He showed you that he loved you until...he broke your heart.   You loved him...until he broke your heart.  The anger will turn to tears. You will cry like you've never cried before then the tears will turn to loneliness.  The loneliness will cause you to miss him,  the missing him might lead to forgiving him, but somewhere in the back of your mind you will remember that he hurt you.   You will remember that he broke your heart. Your heart will ache, like it did the first time as you think about how much it hurt. You want to protect yourself from hurting that much again. So you start building an imaginary brick wall around your heart. The soon to be un-penetrate-able brick wall around your heart.

This I know.  This you will have to experience..the hard way, the only way.

Birthday Wishes

Tomorrow I will be 50 years old.  I was on the verge of depression when my best friend reminded me that there was a time she prayed that she would be able to grow old.  I realized that her sentiments were correct and we are truly blessed to still be here.  I always think about something my Grandma Geiser always says, "I know I'm old and my body is not the same, but in my mind, I'm still a young girl."  She tells stories of all her memories, good and bad which given me an appreciation of the life she has lived.  She also says, "All I have left are memories."  They are good ones, and they are stories I enjoy hearing over and over.  My best friend and my Grandma helped me in looking forward to this special occasion.  I had no idea the wonderful experience in store for me.    Luckily, I am blessed with good genes.  My Mom doesn't look a day over 50 herself with very few wrinkles--crossing my fingers that I will look like her in 20 years. 

Originally, Darrell, suggested a cruise with family and friends to celebrate the occasion.  I liked the idea until I realized that my sister and family would not be able to be there.  I also, did not want to take too much time off work.  I knew that I would have a great time with Darrell, Blake, Papa, Pama and Mom but I longed for a celebration with my sister as well. 

Our weekends fill up quickly and Darrell kept reminding me to keep my Mother' Day weekend open.  He had a surprise trip in mind and I suppose if I would have paid more attention, I would have picked up on some of the clues to the wonderful surprise planned for me.    Darrell did not tell Blake about the plan, worried that he might slip up and tell me what we were going to do.  We packed our suitcases, Darrell loaded the car and created a comfy spot for Blake and I to ride on the way to my birthday/Mother's Day weekend.  In usual fashion, I slept, read and played games, not paying attention to where we were going.  I woke up when we stopped to eat in Wellington and whispered to Blake, "Where do you think we are going?"  Blake replied, "Wyoming".   

He was right, we arrived at the Bison Ranch, a spot I wanted to visit with camels, bison, an ostrich, horse back rides and the perfect opportunity to relax.  We pulled up to our cabin, Blake and I still playing games and reading in the back seat with Darrell trying to get us to go into our cabin.  We walked in, opened the door and I heard., "Surprise!"  My heart was filled with joy to see my Mom (Also affectionately referred to as Mer), my Sister, my best friend Sharon and her family, Dave, Rex, Rhi, Deb and Mike.   Later Doug and Julie joined us.  What's a birthday celebration without Julie's favorite birthday candles?  The ones you can't blow out.  The ones I affectionately call, "Those damn candles."   My husband planned the perfect surprise for my birthday, a weekend spent with family and friends to celebrate my milestone.  That simple ceremony was simply magical.

I received some wonderful, sentimental gifts but the best part of it all are the memories created for me and for our children.  We played on the playground, we looked for rocks (a tradition, everywhere we go), we shopped, ate, had silly string fights and played games.  My sister, who knows how to make every moment special and memorable, asked me to walk to the pond as she had a surprise planned.  She explained that the sky lanterns we were about to release, were to celebrate momentous occasions as we released them, we made wishes for ourselves and everyone with us.  We lit the lanterns, released them into the sky and watched them float away.  Watching our children and our family watch them float away was the creme de la creme. 

I am not fond of these mile markers in aging.  When I turned 30 I began my self-imposed depression on New Year's Eve.  My sister and future brother-in-law did not let me wallow in my pity.  When I turned 40, I was 5 months away from becoming a first time mother.  The joy of that experience, distracted me from that mile stone.  Now, finally, at 50 years old,  in one place, at one time, most of my blessings joined us in one place to celebrate.   I had family, friends, our children and most of all the man I prayed for who worked with my sister to show me that my life is fulfilling and joyful.  It was the perfect weekend and I am grateful to everyone who joined our celebration.    Thank you Darrell, Mom, Laurie, Dave, Deb, Mike, Julie Doug, Sharon and Noel.  Thank you for making my 50th birthday a joyous occasion and the best presents I could ever receive--your time and your love. 

Mark Ryan

Today we attended the funeral for Mark Ryan.  He passed in his sleep at the young age of 47 years old.  Funerals are a rite of passage for the living.  Our opportunity to say good-bye to loved ones, to join with friends and family in remembrance.  The deacon asked if anyone would like to speak, to share memories of Mark.  I wanted to walk up to share two instances when he showed me that he always thought of others and was willing to help at any time if he was able.

I get lots of packages in the mail--ask my husband.  One day, I received a manila envelope from Mark with a black and white picture of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  I love the Wizard of Oz and always have since I was a little girl.  My sister Jeanette and I would watch it every year on TV even though the Wicked Witch scared the bejesus out of us.  Anyway, I messaged Mark, thanking him for the picture and he said, "I've been looking for something from the Wizard of Oz for you.  Juanita told me that you really love that movie."  I didn't have the heart to tell him that the glass on the frame broke in the mail..  I was very touched that he thought of me evem though we didn't see each other that often.
A couple of weeks ago, Jaden and I trekked to La Veta to help Gloria, move Aunt Olivia to Tennessee.  I was thinking about all of the hard work ahead of us as there were four women, lots of boxes, some furniture and a big moving truck to fill.  Gloria messaged Mark as he had offered to help as well and he showed up bright and early with his friend to lug the big stuff.  He was a life saver that day.

Today, looking at the slide show in his honor, I realized that I didn't know much about Mark.  I only knew the man my cousin fell in love with.  The man who cared and loved their son  Brandon.  The man who cared and loved for Brandon's dog.  The man who had a big heart.  The man, who wasn't afraid to be himself--that's something we don't see very often. 

I spoke with his stepmother for a short time and realized that I didn't know him at all.  She said that he had finally laid to rest some of his trials and tribulations.  That he used to call her when his effort to do something special for others was met with disapproval rather than appreciation.  He called her to calm his mind and to soothe his soul.  He called her to put a band aide on his heart for he truly was once again a little boy who needed someone he loved to tell him, "Good Job" or simply "thank you".   Some of us try to find meaning and fulfillment in our lives.  Some of us find it and some of us don't.  I believe that Mark had found that meaning and fulfillment in his life with Juanita and Brandon.  In helping his neighbors.  In a huge extended family with all of our ups and downs.  He found it and now he has left us.  We can be happy knowing that his life here was meaningful.  Good bye Mark--you were a good man with a big heart.  Rest in peace.

Parents

I have been pondering the role of parents in our lives.  I watched Joe Jackson on the Pierce Morgan show and I have had a discussion about what parents are "supposed to be."  Joe Jackson the notorious hard handed father of Michael and Janet Jackson not defending but stating his need to be strict with his children as gangs were prevalent where they lived.  He demanded that his children  call him Joe, not Dad and his children were fearful of him.  Before they became famous and he worked hard to give his family the basics.  He loved his children and he was the driving force behind their success.

It's hard to think about parenting without thinking about my own parents.  My Dad was a truck driver which meant he was gone a lot.  We didn't have cell phones or face time and  sometimes, as a little girl, I couldn't remember what he looked like.  My Dad is not a perfect man but he is a good man.  He made some huge mistakes but he always put his family first.  Except for the time, he wouldn't pick me and Jerry up because he was playing poker.  We were grown up and we found a way home.  We laughed about it then and we laugh about it now.   My Dad was strict and big and scary.  I was afraid of him which kept me out of trouble for the most part.  He also had his standard lectures about driving, riding with people who didn't know how to drive, being followers, quitting, blah blah blah.  My brother Jerry and I would often say to each other, "I got the ________ lecture today."  He isn't perfect but he is a good Dad and I respect and love him very much.

Mom-- the woman who held it all together.  She put us to bed every night, she took care of us when we were sick, and many times she suffered in silence.  As a mother, I can not imagine losing a child but I also can't imagine seeing my child go through the pain and changes that my sister did before she died.  She couldn't stay in bed or grieve for days, she had three other children to care for.  She didn't go out to the bars or complain to her friends that she didn't get to have fun when she was young.  She stood by our Dad through thick and thin.  She reinforced his decisions and she loved him.  She took care of us, she took care of our home and she showed us what it meant to survive most hardships in the only way she knew how.  You know what?  They weren't perfect and I'm sure if I wanted to, I could find some reasons why this should affect my psyche in many ways but I'm so thankful for the foundation they gave me.

In the beginning our parents brought us into the world and they took care of  us until we could take care of ourselves.  When I left home to go to college my Dad told me that I was on my own now and he could no longer tell me what to do and he could only hope that he taught me right.  From that point on, they didn't tell me what to do even when they did not agree with my choices.  They did not lecture me when I made poor choices.  They gave me opinions and they watched sometimes in silence while I forged my own path.  Parents and being a parent is important but in the end we are responsible for our own choices.  We are responsible for living day to day and taking care of our own families.  We are responsible for finding a way to be happy even when it's not so easy.  Parents are important to our foundation but good parents and parents who make poor choices still create "happyish" and successful adults when those adults DECIDE to do this for themselves.  I'm not a perfect parent but I'm a parent that loves my son more than I've ever loved anyone.  I am proud of him and I love him and that's the most important part of being a parent-- in my opinion.